Rage

"Don't Mistake My Kindness for Weakness"
I am filled with rage right now. I feel, in general, that the world at large, tempered down to the people in my life, mistake my cheeks and silly voices for some kind of weakness, some kind of opening that renders me incapable of rage, of strength, of power. Right now I'm too angry to break this down any further, but examples include people thinking I'm always happy, that only lightness inhabits my mind. For instance, people always assume I'm younger and shorter than I am. When I'm in a better mood I can attribute this to my fat cheeks and freckles, but right now it makes me angry. My geometry teacher taught me to never assume. I don't. And this is not some "no one understands me" thing. But I really don't want people to assume that graphic, violent, visceral rage doesn't consume me more often than not, and when you think I'm humming a Natalie Merchant tune in my head I may well be smiling and imagining your skull smashing fantastically against cement. I'm just sayin'.

Comments

kelly rae said…
well go on with your bad self.
ryan said…
Hey Ama, I know what you mean. I get the same thing. I also get really, really tired of people not taking me very seriously because they think I'm, like, 19 or something. I know that when I'm 40, I'll appreciate looking 30, yadda yadda, but right now, it's incredibly frustrating. My head pretty much always contains unspeakable acts of violence and carnage, and if people only had any idea.... But I kind of like having my secret thoughts, smiling at people, being nice, all the while imagining crushing their skull and loving it.
Stacy said…
I always have people assume I don't know anything at all technical, they even try to draw me pictures. I have built computers, I was a program manager for a compiler, I love the technical details of things, to me, it's like a kind of intellectual puzzle art.

But, I guess I look like someone who does needlepoint and likes pugs. I don't know.

When people tell me I don't look 43 I tell them, this is what 43 looks like.

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